Does time heal?

Time has passed, are we feeling better about our story? Yes and No.  If everything would have worked out the way we wanted, we would be a couple of weeks away from welcoming a new addition to our family.  Most days, it's a bittersweet feeling.  While we have a healthy, crazy, fun almost 5 year old, there are those moments that pull at you.  Weston has made comments about being a big brother and those moments leave us speechless.  How do you explain our situation to a young soul?

Chris & I have talked about the possibility to trying IVF again.  It's a costly game and you don't always get the outcome you want.  But when you get the outcome you want, it's priceless.  We have had many friends and family be encouraging for us and have even made the comments, no that you have one, you can get pregnant on your own. I wish that was true for us.  So, here is the back story about our fertility issues.  I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, bluntly, I have cysts coating my ovaries that make it hard to ovulate or even have regular cycles.  Since having one pregnancy, my cycles and my ovulation schedule have been doing well on its own.  Chris, he is the main fertility issue amongst us.  He has Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas deferens, you know the tub they snip when guys get fixed? Yeah, he doesn't have one of those.  But he does create his own sperm that can be retrieved; hence creating the IVF option for us.

We have looked into adoption and fostering, and decided that is not the path we would like to take.  We weighed all the options, and decided, we aren't the right fit for these options.  I would love to do adoption, but we really can't afford it.  I was surprised at the cost.  And adoption isn't a guarantee, same as IVF.  We considered the foster to adopt, nope.  I would not be able to care for another person and possibly have to give this human back.  I am not strong enough for that.  Now, before you judge us, remember, this is our choice whether you agree with it or not.  We may not agree with your choices in life, but we support your decisions.  Please be respectful.

Have we healed? Have we accepted our fate? What is our fate? There are many questions that we have that we don't have the answers to.  Each day holds something new for us.  Chris has healed a lot faster than I have.  I feel responsible for the embryos not attaching; I know there is nothing I could have done different, its just how my mind works.  We have welcomed many new spirits into our lives.  Many babies have been born and many more are coming.  While I am over the moon happy for every single one of them, I am crushed (along with Chris) that we don't get to be doing it also.  We have had our moments of anger, tears and happiness.  One of our great friends had a baby boy a couple months back and I was able to go to the hospital to meet him.  I held him and I wept; not out of sadness, but because of life.  Life was given to this special little boy, and while he may not be mine, I will be a part of his life.  And how can you not hold a precious newborn babe in your arms and not be a little weepy?

I have learned a lot about myself, my husband and my son during the last 9 months.  Weston is relentless is showing me that life is special is so many ways.  Chris has become my rock and lets me react to things how ever I need to; even if its sobbing in his arms or coming up with the crazy ideas about money for another baby.  I have learned that I am strong, not as strong as I would like to be, but I am.  My faith in God is still in tact, even when I was crushed and didn't have the answers I wanted.  My biggest fear is still for Weston.  I want him to know that we tried to give him a sibling.  I don't want him to ever feel left out or alone because he doesn't have the bond that siblings have.  I hope one day, I am able to have the conversation with him and he understands and isn't resentful.

For now, I thank God for life.  Every single day.  The life I have in my house, the life that has become and the life that is becoming. 

Final Chapter

With a very heavy heart, we found out today that our last round of IVF did not work.  We did everything right, but it just wasn't God's plan for us to have another one.  We are heart broken.  We do know we have a beautiful miracle named Weston.  And he is a miracle in so many ways.  We are doing are best to stay positive, but today we are sad.  And today we will stay sad.  Tomorrow is a new day and we will start fresh and happy knowing we are blessed.

Thank you all for the love & support!! We felt the prayers and strength!

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.
Dr. Seuss

Embryo Date

The big day is scheduled!! Next Wednesday we will be transferring the embryos! We are very excited!  I stay on my normal meds until Friday, I then stop the Lupron and lower the dose of estrogen to 1/2 pill morning and night.  I also start the terrible progesterone shot, insert sad face.  I hate the progesterone shot.  It hurts.  Lot's of prayers for Wednesday!! We will have the pregnancy test on Monday March 2nd!!

Meds, meds and more meds

A lot has changed on the medicine front, yet nothing has changed.  I took my last birth control pill on Sunday January 25th and I noticed an immediate change in my attitude, I don't feel as grumpy as I was.  Birth control has always done that to me.  Thank goodness I will never have to be on it again.

On Wednesday January 28th I decreased my Lupron injections to 5u, which is so small it seems like it's not even worth it.  But it does work.  I also started my estrogen pills.  Half a pill in the morning and half a pill at night. I struggled with an estrogen headache for a few days, along with caffeine withdrawals, it's been tough.  I have been using my DoTerra Lavender oil to help though.

Just yesterday my estrogen intake changed.  I now take 3 pills in one day.  So far, I'm ok, since I am only on day 2.  I have noticed my body changing (just like it did on the other two rounds); I get a lot of cramping, headaches and I have no appetite.  I have lost more weight than I should and I have been drinking protein shakes and Gatorade to help my levels.  When we got pregnant with Weston, I found out that I have a sodium deficiency; I don't keep enough in my body.  That is where the headaches come into play.  So Gatorade is my friend.

We find out on Tuesday what day we will be doing the transfer.  It will be one day of  Feb 16-18. It all depends on the lining of my uterus and if it is ready to receive the embryos. It seems like we just started the process, yet it has taken so long.  January was a long month of waiting until the shots started.  Now it just seems to be flying by.

I did have a realization moment the other day.  This is it.  If it works, we will have another baby (or 2) and if it doesn't work, we will have Weston, who is enough.  The finality of it has become a reality.  We have talked about doing the process over from step 1 and we have decided that we have done enough.  We have done enough.  God as given us one little miracle that we love and adore.  Maybe we will look into other options like adoption; but for now.  We have done enough and we are grateful either way.  Baby or no baby.

Thanks for all the extra love and prayers.  Add some extra ones for a dear friend of ours who just completed their round of IVF and are doing the "waiting" process for the pregnancy test.  Medical science has come so far and I am grateful that God has allowed man to do it.

The Big Appointment

Yesterday, I had my big appointment.  The sonohystagram, trail transfer and endometrial biopsy.  I had a friend watch Weston for me, jumped on the train and headed south.  Chris picked me up at the train station and we headed to Daybreak for the doctors appointment.  Normally I go to the U or U clinic in Centerville or at the hospital; but this was the only appointment they had available to do all 3 procedures at the same time. 

The sonohystagram is pretty easy.  They flush out your uterus and tubes with salt water to make sure you that don't have any blockages and your good to go.  A little cramping, but nothing bad. 

The trial transfer. They use a catheter and do exactly what you think, do a mock trial transfer.  They want to double check and make everything is clear and to also mark how deep to go in with the catheter.  Easy peasy. 

Now, onto the endometrial biopsy.  Not fun.  They gave me some Ibuprofen to help with the discomfort and then they use a catheter and they poke at your uterus repeatedly.  They did this 3 different times; each time they went a bit deeper.  They want to get as much tissue sample as they can, along with damaging the uterus enough so the embryos can attach to the "scarring".  I had severe cramping during the procedure, but about 5 minutes after I was ok.  Its great to have this done because they check for precancerous cells.  If anyone know the celebrity, Giuliana Rancic, this is how she found out that she had precancerous cells for breast cancer; would have never known had they not started the IVF procedure.

Today I am feeling ok.  I had to stop all caffeine and alcohol intake on Sunday.  Alcohol has been easy to stop, I only drank occasionally anyways.  The caffeine on the other hand, I am struggling with.  I am having bad headaches, so I am having a small coke every other day to help.  Hopefully I can start going a lot longer.

Next Wednesday, I decrease the amount of Lupron I am injecting to 5 units, stop birth control and start estrogen; so if you see me crying, I'm fine.  100% fine, just on a hormone high.  We go back to the doctor on Feb 10th to check the lining of my uterus to make sure we are ready.  Or as Dr Peterson would say, check to see if the hamburger bun is ready for the meat, lol!  We will find out that day when we will transfer the embryos.  Right now we are pending Feb 16th , 17th or 18th; they will also let us know when we start the Progesterone shots, now be jealous.  We draw the medication out with a 22 gauge needle and put back in me with an 18 gauge needle.  The things we do for babies!

And big news also, we bought a house! Yes, we were originally going to build, but the house we found is going to be perfect for what we need.  We are under contract and scheduled to close the same time as the embryo transfer!! It's going to be a great week in February!

Thanks everyone for the love and support!!

Lupron

On Sunday, the injections started.  I have a picture of the meds, but my computer crashed, so I am blogging from one that is not mine.  The Lupron is 10 Units each day, and so far, so good.  I am still on the active birth control also.  This injection goes right into the abdomen, not very painful, feels like a tiny bee sting.

Easy peasy right! 

Appointments

It's that time, time to make all the appointments.  I have been on the phone all morning with the U of U trying to get all of our appointments scheduled and meds orders.  I am happy to report, the meds are ordered and I start the first injection 2 weeks from today, eeeeekk! I have made 1 out 2 appointments, on hold as I type for the second appointment.  And after, I get to make the full payment, only $2720.00.  I'll take it! When we paid for Weston, I remember swiping $9000.00! What a difference a frozen cycle can make.

I am still currently on birth control and it's driving me crazy.  My cycle and hormones are screwed up a little bit, so I have been on edge.  I am trying really hard to think before speaking.  I love Chris's face when I say something he doesn't like; he wants to get made, but laughs instead.  The birth control is also making me very queasy.  I never have to take the stuff, so when I do, it fights me.  Only three more weeks of the stuff, and then I will be explaining what the Estrogen does to me.  HAHA! We better stock up on chocolate!