Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? If you don't I will fill you in. On last night's episode they decided to have a premature baby on the show. It totally broke my heart! I didn't have a preemie, but I had a sick baby. I will tell you what, the emotions that I thought had healed are not!! I cried through the entire episode and have started crying yet again. I know it takes time to heal and to face a lot of what we when through. I am not looking for sympathy, but I know many people can relate, understand and help. I have so many questions I know I will never have answers to, but how to I begin to heal? When will I be ok with everything that has happened? From the IVF to a sick baby? When will I be ready to forgive God? I am no longer mad at him, but I am extremely hurt still. I know that I have to mend my relationship with the Big Man, but it's hard.
Now with that said, the episode and future episode I am going to watch scare the HELL out of me!!! I finally admitted that I am ready and I want more children, but right now, nope. I am done! The chances of going through what we did is slim, but what if it happens again? What is something else happens. Can I trust myself, my body and trust God? I know that He will give me everything I can handle and if it is a sick baby, I know I can handle it, right? I won't lie, I am scared to death!! And am now I feel like I am on a see saw, do I really want to have another?
