Time has passed, are we feeling better about our story? Yes and No. If everything would have worked out the way we wanted, we would be a couple of weeks away from welcoming a new addition to our family. Most days, it's a bittersweet feeling. While we have a healthy, crazy, fun almost 5 year old, there are those moments that pull at you. Weston has made comments about being a big brother and those moments leave us speechless. How do you explain our situation to a young soul?
Chris & I have talked about the possibility to trying IVF again. It's a costly game and you don't always get the outcome you want. But when you get the outcome you want, it's priceless. We have had many friends and family be encouraging for us and have even made the comments, no that you have one, you can get pregnant on your own. I wish that was true for us. So, here is the back story about our fertility issues. I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, bluntly, I have cysts coating my ovaries that make it hard to ovulate or even have regular cycles. Since having one pregnancy, my cycles and my ovulation schedule have been doing well on its own. Chris, he is the main fertility issue amongst us. He has Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas deferens, you know the tub they snip when guys get fixed? Yeah, he doesn't have one of those. But he does create his own sperm that can be retrieved; hence creating the IVF option for us.
We have looked into adoption and fostering, and decided that is not the path we would like to take. We weighed all the options, and decided, we aren't the right fit for these options. I would love to do adoption, but we really can't afford it. I was surprised at the cost. And adoption isn't a guarantee, same as IVF. We considered the foster to adopt, nope. I would not be able to care for another person and possibly have to give this human back. I am not strong enough for that. Now, before you judge us, remember, this is our choice whether you agree with it or not. We may not agree with your choices in life, but we support your decisions. Please be respectful.
Have we healed? Have we accepted our fate? What is our fate? There are many questions that we have that we don't have the answers to. Each day holds something new for us. Chris has healed a lot faster than I have. I feel responsible for the embryos not attaching; I know there is nothing I could have done different, its just how my mind works. We have welcomed many new spirits into our lives. Many babies have been born and many more are coming. While I am over the moon happy for every single one of them, I am crushed (along with Chris) that we don't get to be doing it also. We have had our moments of anger, tears and happiness. One of our great friends had a baby boy a couple months back and I was able to go to the hospital to meet him. I held him and I wept; not out of sadness, but because of life. Life was given to this special little boy, and while he may not be mine, I will be a part of his life. And how can you not hold a precious newborn babe in your arms and not be a little weepy?
I have learned a lot about myself, my husband and my son during the last 9 months. Weston is relentless is showing me that life is special is so many ways. Chris has become my rock and lets me react to things how ever I need to; even if its sobbing in his arms or coming up with the crazy ideas about money for another baby. I have learned that I am strong, not as strong as I would like to be, but I am. My faith in God is still in tact, even when I was crushed and didn't have the answers I wanted. My biggest fear is still for Weston. I want him to know that we tried to give him a sibling. I don't want him to ever feel left out or alone because he doesn't have the bond that siblings have. I hope one day, I am able to have the conversation with him and he understands and isn't resentful.
For now, I thank God for life. Every single day. The life I have in my house, the life that has become and the life that is becoming.
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