Grey's Anatomy

Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? If you don't I will fill you in. On last night's episode they decided to have a premature baby on the show. It totally broke my heart! I didn't have a preemie, but I had a sick baby. I will tell you what, the emotions that I thought had healed are not!! I cried through the entire episode and have started crying yet again. I know it takes time to heal and to face a lot of what we when through. I am not looking for sympathy, but I know many people can relate, understand and help. I have so many questions I know I will never have answers to, but how to I begin to heal? When will I be ok with everything that has happened? From the IVF to a sick baby? When will I be ready to forgive God? I am no longer mad at him, but I am extremely hurt still. I know that I have to mend my relationship with the Big Man, but it's hard.

Now with that said, the episode and future episode I am going to watch scare the HELL out of me!!! I finally admitted that I am ready and I want more children, but right now, nope. I am done! The chances of going through what we did is slim, but what if it happens again? What is something else happens. Can I trust myself, my body and trust God? I know that He will give me everything I can handle and if it is a sick baby, I know I can handle it, right? I won't lie, I am scared to death!! And am now I feel like I am on a see saw, do I really want to have another?

Babies, babies, babies!!!

So, here I am......I did a couple blogs and stayed on top, but I fell behind again. Oh well........Lots of talk in our home has been happening about babies and when and if to have another one. We have decided!!! We have 6 embryos, so we are going to give them a shot. The embryos are frozen, so when they are implanted, they will do them 2 at a time until I turn 32, then they will implant 3 at a time.

We have made the decision the have another, but now we have to decide when. Do we do the 2 at a time and have 3 chances?? Or do we wait until Weston is older and do 3 at a time and only have 2 chances???

That is the new decision that we are faced with. So my question is, how far apart are your kids and do you like or would you change it??

(Don't forget, we could be "blessed" with multiples next time!! Weston was only 1 embryo and took on the first try!!)

Heartache

My heart broke when Weston was born. I knew he was going to go thru a lot, but I didn't realize the emotions that I (and Chris) would feel during and especially after the fact. I thank God daily for the gift he has given us and also for the strength, but my heart breaks each and every time I hear about another family goin through similiar situations. I have a friend that had her baby early due to preclamsia and he is adorable. Seeing the pictures of him hooked up to wires and oxygen breaks my heart and I can't help but cry. I have another friend that has a baby with rsv and is on oxygen and a feeding tube; it hits close to home. And a dear friend with an adorable baby boy that fought hard and got home quick, Abby you are a strong woman!! But seeing and hearing this makes me cry in frustration and heartache. I know that God places us in situations that we can handle, but why does it have to include the sweet innocent babies!! I don't know why I feel responsible for Weston going through is trials, but I can't help it. Did I do something wrong? Did Weston chose this obstacle? Did I chose it for Weston? It is so hard to not know the answer. All I know is that no Mother or Father should have to go through what they go through when a baby is in the hospital and no baby deserves it. When it is my time and I get to meet God once again I know I will be able to ask him and get the answer, but until then, my heart breaks!! God bless the little babies that have to fight!! Be with them and keep them strong!

I'm Back!!

Hello!! I know it has been awhile, but here we go!! Baby season never seems to be done until it's done!! Weston is home and doing fabulous and reality has set in!! We have a baby!! An actual baby that we love, adore and even get frustrated with!! But also, I am starting to forget. I am starting to forget about the progesterone shots that hurt so bad and how uncomfortable pregnancy was in the beginning and end and how dreadful the hospital was. What happens when you forget?? I don't know about you, but I have started to talk about the next baby! I KNOW!!!! What am I thinking!! We know there is another one there, but what about the money and risks??

1. It's going to cost around $3000-$5000 to implant embryos and if it doesn't work, we will have to spend the same amount of money if not more.
2. The risk to have another cardio baby is slim, but still there.
3. How far apart is a good amount for our kids?
4. What if we have multiples? It is possible.
5. Money. HA! What's that!

With all the questions and concerns, we still want another one. We just need to determine when. Any thoughts!!

PS - It's good to be back!

Thank You

Thank you for following our family blog for updates on Weston and how things are going. I will more than likely start posting on this blog once we get home and start to get things settled, until then please view our family blog for all the updates!!

Thank you for the love, support and prayers!!

All our love,

The Remkes Family

Chris, Holly, Weston & the 4-legged kids!!

Weston

As everyone knows, our little man Weston made it to the world on Halloween morning, bright and early. Since then, your love, support and prayers have meant the world to us!! Without having this in our lives, we wouldn't have made it this far. This post will be long. We know everyone wants updates, so here we go. I will try to update every day or every other day with how things are going. So warm up your bum cheeks and have a few tissues handy, here we go!!

Saturday night at 9pm my water broke; we just barely walked out of a movie when it happened and I wasn't sure if it was my water or I peed a little bit (that has been known to happen). I told Chris and by the time we made it home I was pretty sure it was my water. We packed up and headed to the hospital. We arrived at Ogden Regional about 10:30 and got checked in. At first, we had a little trouble get everything set up, but we got into a room and we were ready to go. I was no hero and had an epidural around 2:00am. The anesthesiologist made my pain go from a huge 10 to a negative 5! What an amazing drug!! LOVE IT!!! I got checked right after and was dilated to a 5; 30 minutes later I was dilated to an 8!! Oh boy!! I started pushing and 45 minutes at 4:46 am on Halloween morning, weighing 7lbs 5 oz, 19 1/2 inches long (so much for small like they thought) little Weston made it here!! He looked great and screamed loud.

Chris went over and helped get Weston cleaned up and put his first diaper on and brought him to me. That is when the nurse noticed Weston was pale in color. They took Weston back and called the NICU for the respiratory therapist to come up. She came and took his oxygen levels and they were in the 70's, not good. They took him down to the NICU, Chris went with them to find out what was going on. They hooked Weston up and started running tests. Chris came back to the room to get some sleep, but that didn't happen, we were wide awake freaking out!! About an hour later our pediatrician showed up to let us know what was going on. Weston's lungs were strong and healthy, but he had a heart defect. We were both stunned. We had so many ultrasound done with the specialist why didn't they see it? The pediatrician let us know that Weston would be headed down to Primary Children's that morning. After running a few more tests they allowed us to go and see him. My emotions were high and I couldn't quit crying and Chris was trying to figure out what was going on. After seeing me so upset, Chris asked if I could hold Weston and Thank goodness, they let me. I got to hold him for 15 minutes before they loaded him up in his transport to go to Primary's.

The 3 of us before they loaded Weston up - did I mention he looks just like Chris??

Weston loaded up in his transport. It was so cute and sad! After they loaded him up, the crew brought him in to say Goodbye.

I hated that Weston and Chris were headed to Primary's and I had to stay at Ogden Regional. My doctor was amazing though. He said if they were to operate that night he would discharge me so I could go. Dr. Merrill is amazing.

Chris headed down to Primary's to find out what was going on. Once they got to Primary Children's and go settled in, they ran a couple more tests and confirmed what the doctors said at Ogden Regional. Weston has a heard defect called "Transposition of the Great Arteries" sounds technical, but it is exactly what it is called. His two main arteries, the Pulmonary and Aorta grew in the each others places; now they need to be switched to the right place. We have been told if we had to choose a heart defect, this is the one to have.

The last few days have been up and down. They have waited to perform surgery until this Friday. They want his little body to adjust to being in the world and not the womb. They also needed to get his oxygen levels at a good level for surgery. They have also put a balloon into one of the holes in his heart to help his blue blood and red blood go to the correct places so he has the right amount of oxygen throughout his body, brain and blood. As of today, Friday is the day for surgery. They will open his breast bone and put the arteries in the correct place. Once the surgery is complete, his little heart will swell. They will have to keep his breast bone open for a couple of days so it can heal. They will then close the breast bone and recovery will begin. Recovery could take a couple of days to weeks. It all depends on how his little body handles the surgery and eating.

Chris & I cannot express how much it means to us that everyone has been there for us. The prayers, comments and so forth have been amazing. Chris & I are a mixed faith and Weston has the opportunity to have God in his life in so many ways. We have had Catholic prayers and blessing, LDS prayers and blessing and nondenominational prayers and blessing. Please continue to help us by praying that he will be healthy!! We Thank You for everything and we know there is no way to repay you. We will pay it forward by helping in the future and supporting where we need to. Thank you!!!

Weston's current home and bed. If you look close, you will see a picture of his 4-legged siblings. His teddy bear has a heart beat to comfort him.

Our little Weston!! Isn't he cute?!?!?! We love him a ton and we are so Thankful for the miracle we were given. We know that God is on or side and is going to help.

Thank you for all the love and support once again!! Much love to everyone!!
Chris, Holly & Weston Remkes

PS: If you have any questions, please leave them in the comments and we will do our best to answer in the next post.

Another - Just Saying!

I think my cervix is on overtime. It hurts and the lighting pulse sensation is SO enjoyable (do you sense the sarcasm?) Hence why I am awake and posting this at 1am!!

This I did not expect. Why can't dilation and labor happen like I thought it would? I figured I would be all cuddled up in bed, my water would break, I would change my clothes, head to the hospital the kid would be here in a couple of hours already potty trained and ready to accomplish the world. What?!?!? One can dream, don't pop my bubble, the air is already leaking slowly with each pulse that is going through my vagina. Yes! I said it, vagina! Just sayin!

You all know me, why sugar coat it when it is funner to just come right out and say it! No worries, I won't put details with the labor and delivery. I wanted to complain about the pain and Chris is asleep, so I chose you!!

Love you all!!! Once again, you have all been a great support systems in so many different ways!! Thanks again to a great friend that I talked to today and calmed all my fears!!