Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? If you don't I will fill you in. On last night's episode they decided to have a premature baby on the show. It totally broke my heart! I didn't have a preemie, but I had a sick baby. I will tell you what, the emotions that I thought had healed are not!! I cried through the entire episode and have started crying yet again. I know it takes time to heal and to face a lot of what we when through. I am not looking for sympathy, but I know many people can relate, understand and help. I have so many questions I know I will never have answers to, but how to I begin to heal? When will I be ok with everything that has happened? From the IVF to a sick baby? When will I be ready to forgive God? I am no longer mad at him, but I am extremely hurt still. I know that I have to mend my relationship with the Big Man, but it's hard.
Now with that said, the episode and future episode I am going to watch scare the HELL out of me!!! I finally admitted that I am ready and I want more children, but right now, nope. I am done! The chances of going through what we did is slim, but what if it happens again? What is something else happens. Can I trust myself, my body and trust God? I know that He will give me everything I can handle and if it is a sick baby, I know I can handle it, right? I won't lie, I am scared to death!! And am now I feel like I am on a see saw, do I really want to have another?
That episode pulled at my heart strings too! I feel the same way you do and I really hope that one day I will heal from all that we are going through with Bridger. It is so tough to see these innocent little babies go through so much more that we ourselves will ever have to deal with. Someone told me once that Bridger came to us for a reason and that we must me some pretty awesome parents to get him. At first I thought they were crazy, but I don't know, maybe they were right. I know it is that way for cute little Weston. He has some pretty Awesome parents!! I think about you often and hope you and baby are happy and healthy :)
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