Fear

You would think that when Weston was born and going through all that he did that I would have been terrified of him not waking up or something horrible. Don't get me wrong, I was afraid, but in my mind, it couldn't get much worse than what we were and had gone through. Now that he is growing up and his heart is great, I am more afraid. The nights he sleeps through the night, I am terrified to go and check on him. I am so scared to find something I don't want to find. Does this fear ever go away or am I now a mom and will always be afraid for him? Or am I skeptical because I now know that anything could happen to anyone at any given time. Hopefully by talking (blogging) about my fear, I will be able to get it over it and keep telling myself that God loves me and won't give me anything that I can't handle, but please God, don't put me through something else with Weston. That was way to hard.

Weston Cardio Update

On Monday we went to Primary Children's and saw Dr Miller and Dr Puchalski and got great news! Weston has gained a great amount of weight and has also gained height. Since he has increased so much, they took him off the Lasix medication that was helping keep fluid off of his lungs; before they did they listened to his heart and lungs and skipped the chest xray. Now the concern is how well his heart is going to do as he grows. As long as the leak in his pulmonary valve stays small and the coronary arteries don't have to much stress on him, we are good to go. If not, surgery again. The chance for surgery is very very minimal. So for now, they said enjoy Weston and let him live his life as a regular boy! The next words out of their mouth, "See you in a year!" YIPPEE!!

Ok.....Look.....

Alright, it's time. I have been holding a lot of these feelings and emotions in, but it is time to vent and release. I love my family and friends. I love how unique and different they are. I love that they have so much passion for what they believe in (religion, politics, whatever). I love they have opinions, but I don't love that I am judged and told I am wrong when my opinion isn't the same. I respect you, so why don't you respect me?? Now this does not include the majority of my friends and family, but just a teeny bit of them, but it is still hard. The decision that Chris and I make are our decisions, you may not agree with them, but why not support us?? We will support you if we don't agree.
Let me tell you where this stems from and what has evolved. Yes - Chris and I are different religions. I support him, he supports me. Personally, I love going to mass with him and seeing how it is different spiritually and politically from the LDS faith. I have learned alot. Chris has come with me to church and he says we are so missing out by blessing water and not wine for the blood of Christ; he is a nerd! When we got married we chose to keep religion out of our wedding and have a judge marry us. God was with us that day, do you not remember the beautiful weather the end of October! Anywho....we knew when we had kids that it would be a challenge with faith. Ultimately we decided, it's not our decision what our kids believe, it is up to them and we would support them anyone they decided, as long as God was part of it. So, when Weston was born, we were placed in a dilemma. The worst crossed our mind and we wanted to make sure Weston would be Welcomed by God and his open arms. I know that God would never turn away one of his children if they had not been baptized, but we were in total panic mode! We had Father Anthony give Weston a healing prayer and my Uncle's gave Weston an LDS blessing (along with Chris & I). While Father Anthony was there, Chris asked me if it was ok to baptize Weston with the Catholic faith. I was totally fine with it. The best part, Father Anthony did not make me promise to raise Weston Catholic, which is the common practice. I felt so relieved that I didn't have to make that promise.
But now, not to name names, but part of my family is not supporting this and giving us so much grief. I know what they believe and the is fine, but PLEASE, the decision we made was ours and we would never change it. So I ask.......what is my family going to say if Weston decides to become a Buddhist or Jewish, does it matter??? Is God in his life? Yes! Isn't that what is important? Like I said, I support what you believe, what you feel and what your opinion is, but why can't you do the same for me??
Ok - I feel better. Less frustrated, but still upset. One day it will hopefully get better!! To all of those that support us, THANK YOU!! I hope you feel that we do the same to you!

Six Months

Yup! It's been six months!! This picture was taken exactly a week after Weston's surgery. I finally got to hold him and he only had two chest tubes left. Amazing how one moment you think that you are experiencing the worst possible thing ever, and then you open your eyes and it was six months ago!We left the hospital almost two weeks after this picture was taken. Since we have been home, Weston hasn't stopped growing. He is sitting on his own, almost crawling, eating lots of food, jumping more than a jumping bean and becoming a comedian. He loves the ladies and is a big time flirt!

I do Thank God each and every day for him. I am still healing from everything we went through and I hope soon I will be past the emotional part. I have been very angry and upset with God and the trials he has put us through. The anger is gone, but for some reason, I cannot forgive yet. I am hoping that part will come soon. I heard a great quote from a great woman (Oprah), "To be ok with the past doesn't mean you need to forget, you need to forgive."

Grey's Anatomy

Does anyone watch Grey's Anatomy? If you don't I will fill you in. On last night's episode they decided to have a premature baby on the show. It totally broke my heart! I didn't have a preemie, but I had a sick baby. I will tell you what, the emotions that I thought had healed are not!! I cried through the entire episode and have started crying yet again. I know it takes time to heal and to face a lot of what we when through. I am not looking for sympathy, but I know many people can relate, understand and help. I have so many questions I know I will never have answers to, but how to I begin to heal? When will I be ok with everything that has happened? From the IVF to a sick baby? When will I be ready to forgive God? I am no longer mad at him, but I am extremely hurt still. I know that I have to mend my relationship with the Big Man, but it's hard.

Now with that said, the episode and future episode I am going to watch scare the HELL out of me!!! I finally admitted that I am ready and I want more children, but right now, nope. I am done! The chances of going through what we did is slim, but what if it happens again? What is something else happens. Can I trust myself, my body and trust God? I know that He will give me everything I can handle and if it is a sick baby, I know I can handle it, right? I won't lie, I am scared to death!! And am now I feel like I am on a see saw, do I really want to have another?

Babies, babies, babies!!!

So, here I am......I did a couple blogs and stayed on top, but I fell behind again. Oh well........Lots of talk in our home has been happening about babies and when and if to have another one. We have decided!!! We have 6 embryos, so we are going to give them a shot. The embryos are frozen, so when they are implanted, they will do them 2 at a time until I turn 32, then they will implant 3 at a time.

We have made the decision the have another, but now we have to decide when. Do we do the 2 at a time and have 3 chances?? Or do we wait until Weston is older and do 3 at a time and only have 2 chances???

That is the new decision that we are faced with. So my question is, how far apart are your kids and do you like or would you change it??

(Don't forget, we could be "blessed" with multiples next time!! Weston was only 1 embryo and took on the first try!!)

Heartache

My heart broke when Weston was born. I knew he was going to go thru a lot, but I didn't realize the emotions that I (and Chris) would feel during and especially after the fact. I thank God daily for the gift he has given us and also for the strength, but my heart breaks each and every time I hear about another family goin through similiar situations. I have a friend that had her baby early due to preclamsia and he is adorable. Seeing the pictures of him hooked up to wires and oxygen breaks my heart and I can't help but cry. I have another friend that has a baby with rsv and is on oxygen and a feeding tube; it hits close to home. And a dear friend with an adorable baby boy that fought hard and got home quick, Abby you are a strong woman!! But seeing and hearing this makes me cry in frustration and heartache. I know that God places us in situations that we can handle, but why does it have to include the sweet innocent babies!! I don't know why I feel responsible for Weston going through is trials, but I can't help it. Did I do something wrong? Did Weston chose this obstacle? Did I chose it for Weston? It is so hard to not know the answer. All I know is that no Mother or Father should have to go through what they go through when a baby is in the hospital and no baby deserves it. When it is my time and I get to meet God once again I know I will be able to ask him and get the answer, but until then, my heart breaks!! God bless the little babies that have to fight!! Be with them and keep them strong!